Confidence Counts week four

Posted: 6th September 2026

This week we were going to look at goals and motivations and how we can find ways to overcome that voice of self-doubt if that is one of the barriers you find you face to building/regaining your confidence. Recently in discussion with others there was a theme of people who actually had achieved a lot, yet they admitted having low self-esteem and didn’t recognise how amazing they were, or even feel comfortable when others told them this.

They were all people who were caring and kind and I wondered is there something about being kind which gets in the road of us looking after ourselves too? Now I am not for a minute suggesting we stop being kind, just perhaps if we are thinking about boosting our confidence then increasing our self-esteem would be helpful too. I decided to dedicate this week’s session to this topic as we are talking about self-esteem so this may be of interest.

Now it’s not saying being kind lowers self-esteem, being kind is good for our wellbeing. Its more around how we are kind and whether we are so attentive to the needs of others that we forget we have needs of our own, or do not think they really matter.

In my quest to understand this more I discovered the term ‘self-erasure’

‘’Self-erasure is the quiet, chronic suppression or abandonment of one’s own needs, emotions, boundaries, and identity to accommodate others or maintain connection’’

I wanted to understand this more and am sharing what I found here in case it is helpful for anyone else, who is trying to build their confidence to acknowledge they too have needs and sometimes we do need to say no too, we cannot constantly be available for others and feel somehow what we feel, want, or do is less important.

I am not saying the following is the same for everyone, its more an invitation to reflect if this is something perhaps you think or feel

Kindness may have become a way to earn safety or approval

Some of us may have learned early that being helpful, agreeable, undemanding, or emotionally attuned made relationships safer. We may have received praise for being “the good one” while our anger, needs, or vulnerability were overlooked.

Empathy can turn into over-responsibility

Considerate people often notice subtle changes in mood and anticipate what others need. This is a strength, but it can become exhausting when we assume responsibility for everyone else’s comfort.

We may:

• apologise when we have done nothing wrong;
• feel guilty for saying no;
• avoid expressing preferences;
• interpret others’ disappointment as evidence we have behaved badly;
• put off our own needs until they become urgent.

We may confuse boundaries with selfishness

If a person has been taught that “good” people are endlessly available, then rest, limits, disagreement, and self-advocacy can feel morally wrong.

Giving can make unequal relationships look acceptable

Kind people may attract people who are happy to receive but less willing to reciprocate. If this happens repeatedly, the kind person’s needs remain invisible, even to themselves and their self-esteem may decline. The issue is not that they are “too kind”; it is that the relationship lacks mutuality.

They may be self-critical while being generous toward others

Many considerate people apply different standards internally and externally. They readily understand another person’s mistakes but interpret their own mistakes as proof of inadequacy. Kindness to others is good, self-directed kindness matters just as much.

Quiet strengths receive less obvious reinforcement

Assertiveness, confidence, self-promotion, and visible achievement are often rewarded more explicitly than patience, care, listening, and emotional labour. A considerate person may contribute significantly without receiving recognition, which can gradually distort their sense of value.

If any of this resonates with you, here are some ideas may be of interest, as ever, these are for self-reflection and not a replacement for professional advice.

Before agreeing to help, pause and ask:

• Do I genuinely want to do this?
• Do I have the capacity?
• Am I acting from care, fear, guilt, or a need to be liked?
• Would I still choose this if the other person could not praise me for it?

The aim is not to become less kind. It is to make kindness a choice, rather than an automatic sacrifice to our own needs and wellbeing.

Practise small, low-risk boundaries

Start with manageable changes:

• “I can’t do that today, but I could look at it next week.”
• “I need some time to think before I answer.”
• “I’m not available this evening.”
• “I can help for thirty minutes, not for the whole afternoon.”
• “That doesn’t work for me.”

You do not need to provide a long defence and over explain why. A boundary can be clear and compassionate at the same time.

Expect guilt without treating it as a warning

When we are used to over-giving, setting a reasonable boundary may initially feel cruel. That feeling does not necessarily mean the boundary is wrong. It may simply mean we are doing something unfamiliar.

Build self-esteem through self-trust

Self-esteem is not only created by telling yourself positive things. It grows when you repeatedly experience yourself as someone who will listen to your own needs and act on them. Make small commitments to yourself, resting, attending an appointment, (how many times do you cancel something for yourself because you feel you need to be there doing something else instead? I know I missed more than one dental appointment when it conflicted with something I had to do for work)  finishing a task, declining something and not being persuaded to pick it back up when we do not have the capacity. This helps builds our internal belief in ourselves that we matter too.

Name your preferences

People with low self-esteem sometimes lose contact with what they actually want. Practise answering simple questions without deferring:

• What would I like to eat?
• Which option do I prefer?
• Do I want company or quiet?
• What would make this easier for me?
• What am I feeling, and what might it be signalling?

Check for reciprocity

Notice how people respond when you need something, say no, or are less available. Healthy relationships can tolerate your limits. If someone values you only when you are useful, that is important information about the relationship, not proof that your needs are unreasonable. That does not mean we give to get, or expect something in return, just be mindful of where you are putting energy into others on a regular basis and where those others are making themselves available for you. It may be they do not even realise you need some of their time as you have got so good at hiding your needs from yourself that others cannot see them either.

Give yourself credit for invisible contributions

Keep a brief record of:

• problems you helped solve;
• care you offered;
• difficult conversations you handled;
• skills you used;
• times you protected someone or something important;
• moments when you acted in line with your values.

This is not about creating a case for your worth, or feeling this is another chore, it can be helpful for journaling or reflective practice. Even 15minutes once a week or month, you may find you are amazed at what you have achieved. This can help you celebrate the things you have done and not give yourself a hard time about the things that still need to be done or finished.

Develop a fuller identity

Self-esteem is more stable when it is not based on being needed. Make room for interests, play, creativity, learning, physical activity, friendship, rest, and ambition, whether or not these benefit anyone else, what do you have or do which is uniquely for you? Do not feel under pressure to make them sound amazing or interesting to others, make it something you find amazing and interesting.

Seek support if the pattern is deeply entrenched

As shared, this is not a replacement for professional advice, it maybe a counsellor or therapist can help explore people-pleasing, shame, attachment experiences, anxiety, or past relationships, especially if saying no feels frightening or leads to intense self-criticism.

The goal is not to become harder, colder, or less considerate. It is to become kind without abandoning yourself. Also, be mindful in a world where ‘wellness’ has become an industry you do not find yourself under pressure to be seen to be doing all the selfcare things which somehow seem to be marketed as essential for a happy life.

Yes eat a balanced diet, stay hydrated, move, rest etc are all important but find it in a way works for you. I remember at an event where we all shared what we did for selfcare, now it was pretty impressive, lots of yoga, Munroe’s, cycling, walking etc, when it got to me, I was honest, box sets and a bar of chocolate! Now yes there were some disapproving glances my way (this was a heath event) but after I spoke, well it was amazing the number of other people who shared watching their favourite video, taking 10minutes to do nothing but look out the window. There is a value in finding what works for you, now of course I also watch what I eat, try to move more etc but these are actually chores which require a conscious effort, whereas playing with the cats, re watching the same old TV series are also my form of selfcare and mindfulness. Make it work for you, not what you feel under pressure to be seen to be doing, we have enough pressure in our lives.

When we are trying to build our confidence its important, we do not give ourselves even more pressure, its finding what works for us. Remember you do matter and I  do care. Next week we will look at motivation

Hilda

PS I attach a piece on the selfcare paradox may be of interest

 

Expires: 2026-10-31

More Information: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/heart-medicine-for-a-changing-world/202511/the-self-care-paradox